Odd shit...

2012-01-31T22:17:00.001-08:00

Meaning, without further ado, without really being insulted Deb cut off any shot at any further discussion.

While at the same time making specific references to 12 stepping.

Similarly, it was the quickest response she had given me.

A lot of the things you claim contradict one another.

At this point, you seem to really want to ... ... ...suggest the same sorts of shit you've always done.

Look, you hit me with a bunch of queer shit which takes in a lot of my focus.

But, at the same time, for 17 years... particularly, you've tried to create "obsessive" thoughts about specific women...in California it wasn't so obsessive, but it was certainly there over deb.

Simply put, you played me...she knew what was going on....

Welch...the old man...came out to the corner mart when i worked there and went on at length about "punching a super model in the eye."

The guy is a fucked up white trash sex offender but there are lots of those in AA.

In the end...you really don't give a flying fuck about why I hit my wife or why I felt guilty about it.

Those two things are sufficient in your mind in and of themselves.

Similarly, you reallly don't want to focus on my having been the one to file for divorce or my having been the one who was faithful.

The point is you want me to be fucked up, the more highly visibly so, the better.

So you want to create embarassing confrontations or inquiries...you want to play me in a fashion that i will look and feel really fucked up.

But, you don't really want to go into the specifics of why you are doing it.

By that I mean: You don't really want to talk about 1) How much drinking is too much...ie what does it take for you to diagnose someone as an alkie and begin this sort of action...particularly for twenty years.

2) What sort of behavior are you concerned with that allows you to beleive someone else's drinking is out of control?

This is important because you've spent a lot of time first telling me you're fucking with me because I drink too much....but then when i don't drink at all...or we realistically discuss how much I actually drink...you state it is about behavior....but when we talk behavior it becomes about how much I must have drank.

You don't want to answer questions because you can't. YOu've taken a course of action you want to take and you want to justify that course of action AFTER THE fact.

So, if I tell Curt and Deb I'd feel bad if someone stole kanes car without brakes and got into a wreck....the only way they can understand my feeling bad is in terms of..."oh, yeah, they might sue you after stealing your car..."

Which frankly is pretty much how you folks have treated me for twenty years.

This is important because i do feel guilty about having hit my wife. I always have.

Imagine getting up in the middle of the night, walking through your house opening the door and looking out. You close the door and turn around. There is no where for you to back up. The closed door is behind you...and in that instance someone comes right at you and is so close they reach out and hit your face...

there is no time for anything...you've got nowhere to go. There is nothing you can do...but they are angry and still coming on.

your momentum is already moving towards them and it is only as you are hit you're trying to pull back.

I felt guilty because i really wished there would have been something else I could have done..something else I could have seen...

she was my wife, i loved her and i didn't want to hurt her at all.

i had no understanding of why she attacked me...and she's never given me one...

but because of that incident and my response, as well as my reaction afterword...one of guilt....my ex considered me to be spousal abuser.

I felt bad because she attacked me and I was so surprised I couldn't come up with a different response.

Frankly, similarly, the pino's went out of their way to pick me up, manipulate me...and for the sake of my son at the bottom of it all....I felt I had no real choice....yet I'm the one who felt guilty...neither juan nor stephanie felt guilty.

AA has jumped into the middle of all this and taken it all past anything my ex or the pino's ever would have taken it....

I'm seriously abusive, homocidal and suicidal...by AA.

I'm a rapist.

I'm obsessive.

I'm an utter failure socially and can't relate to women at all...

all by AA.

At the same time, I'm gay, a pedophile, ready to screw anyone but particular anyones wife and can't be trusted alone with these women...

even though all my flaws are apparently so visible....that the whole community is willing to fuck me over as an utter psychotic pervert.

all of these things by AA.

and if I ask...they don't know what i'm talking about ....but two days later...I'll hear the comments to let me know....they really know what the deal is...

This isn't about my obsessing over anyone...or any of the other shit you want to drop on me.

it is about AA fucking with me and never letting up.

logical/rational rant

Odd shit...